By the grace of God and with the help of a whole lot of people I have been managing my illness for quite a while (a whole lot of one days at a time). I am no expert on all the ways of recovery or why I have these disorders but my recovery is working well today.
Many people have many ways of coping with life but as an addict/alcoholic living with a mental health disorder I know that I have to take life one day at a time. It is a redundant theme in my recovery writing because it works for me as it works for an almost countless amount of other people. I also write that I must abstain completely from pot and booze as I take medication as directed by a physician. I am grateful for the manageable life that I share with my wife Brenda and I am content and reasonable in this lifestyle called recovery.
I have examined my drinking and using history and I don’t ever want to be that out of control again. When one loses their ability in such things as blackouts and to be trapped by that ever burdening need to consume day in and day out just to try to function in your own skin or perhaps just to feel normal you feel the chains of addiction. Life becomes a never ending merry-go-round of chaos and loneliness when caught in active addiction. My only escape was to reach out for help and to turn to a God of my understanding and to meet with people who could no longer use or drink. There are many different kinds of groups with people who support each other in their goals to stay clean and sober. In my recovery I have participated in a few of them. I like to think I have helped a few people in my recovery but I really don’t know how much. Staying clean and sober I know that I can participate in life and I believe that I am better person for it. I also believe I am a little more dependable in my home life and in my close relationships. I am no saint but I know that I am growing as a person a little day by day and I know I can deal with adversity just a little better today.
I try not to beat myself up because I have these disorders. I have realized that there is a reason my life is such a broken journey but I can only speculate as to what it is. Perhaps it is so that I can find peace in me, with others, and with the God that is being revealed to me. The journey continues – life is life – and you take it one day at a time (for me).
I am a person who cannot drink or use because I can’t stop, moderate, or have any concept of responsibility whatsoever. Today I play an active responsible role in life. I am not a bad person I have an illness. I do well to remember this when life gets difficult and I internalize every problem I encounter. I am not responsible for other’s problems and I can’t fix other people. That is a difficult pill to swallow for those who are caretakers. Let go and let God. Just being a regular person is a bit foreign when you live with an unhealthy I am that tells you that you have to save everyone.
Remember that people with concurrent disorders have an illness. We are not bad people trying to become good people; we are sick people trying to become well people. I have an illness. Thank you for reading. Be well today.