Sometimes, but not very often, I have gotten a little coverage in a newspaper or radio station about something I have written or have been involved in in one way or another. When this happens I do well to remember that I am a person who is an addict/alcoholic who is trying to cope and live in recovery from a concurrent disorder one day at a time. Also I know that I am the last person that I know who should give advice about most things but I do write about my experience in a general way and I share a bit how I live in recovery. I also hope that if you live with a concurrent disorder and you are struggling that perhaps you too will find recovery and if anything I have written is of help to you then I hope that you do well and continue to be well in your search for recovery. Remember I am an addict/alcoholic who has been pretty messed up and I still live with pretty messed up thought processes yet today but today delusions or other vagrant thoughts do not afflict or completely consume me for long periods of time affecting my wellness and relationships to the point that my life is completely unmanageable.
Why would I write this?
Many years ago when I was on the psychiatric unit for being so unwell that I tried to end my life I read a story in the bible while visiting the chapel looking for signs. The story I read was about the Pharisee and the tax collector in the temple. The Pharisee was praying to God and as he prayed he told God what a great person he was and all the righteous things he did and does in his life. I believe the Pharisee also pointed out how blessed he was not to be like that no good tax collector was who the Pharisee thought was simply wasting God’s time. The Pharisee believed that the tax collector was truly unworthy of even trying to pray. Of course the tax collector knew that he was a sinner and he beat on his chest saying God have mercy on me a sinner.
What I hear the lesson in this is is that the tax collector knew he was sinner and the Pharisee was a hypocrite. I knew that I could relate to the tax collector but I did not see that I could relate to the Pharisee too. I am just realizing today that I can.
You see in my world I feel torn between being the Christ or the Anti-Christ. This is memories of delusions and feelings that can still be present today. Am I ill? Well no.
I am a person who will use the Jesus Prayer (the Sinner’s Prayer) as a centering prayer that takes me out of a judgemental or anxious state of mind. I also use it for panic attacks and in addition to this I use when I feel threatened or in danger. “Lord Jesus Christ son of God Be merciful to me a sinner” It works.
I have just begun to acknowledge that I use this prayer and have been for a while. The first time that I have acknowledged it in my writing was just recently. I feared using this as a tool that I use because I have a feeling that I am simply unworthy to acknowledge this. You see – the Pharisee in the temple is really the addict/alcoholic writing a recovery blog about recovery one day at a time even though I still struggle and in reality I overdosed only five years ago. I had an adverse reaction to new medication and I became ill. You don’t get much more messed up than this especially when I thought or think that I have all the answer. I don’t – I haven’t – I can’t. Today I know who I am. My name is Paul. My parents gave me that name.
Anyways – Remember The Eagle. The other day I was feeling well and my wife Brenda had to go to the hospital lab for blood work. I waited in the car because I was listening to a preacher on the radio talking about the Pharisee and the tax collector. I thought that was a sign. I was looking out the windshield and I saw what I thought was a large crow floating in the sky above a neighboring street’s houses. When I looked closer I could see it was an eagle gliding over rooftops. I had never seen one in town before. I felt awe. I felt it was a sign.
Yes I am a sinner. Not the Christ or the Anti-Christ. A sinner – you know a person. If you think I am preaching you might think I am the Pharisee. Sometimes I feel like the Pharisee. There are many other people who live in recovery one day at a time who do much better than me. But I have to try to give away what I have so I can keep it. This is one day at a time recovery. I am a person who relates to two people. The tax collector and the Pharisee. They too were both people. I just know I can still get messed up but I am a person who is for the better part reasonably happy and in recovery one day at a time with and from a concurrent disorder. And I use the Jesus Prayer as a centering prayer. Deep down I know it is okay to do so. Remember the eagle. Thank you for reading – Be well today.