Be Well Today

Once I consume substances, in particular booze and pot, I truly have no control over my life. One drink or one puff always leads to me getting wasted and my thinking becomes totally compromised. Putting on the brakes and stopping getting wasted is almost always impossible. It seems that the only way to stop is to run out of booze or pot or to become too physically or mentally sick to consume any more. I have heard this way of being wasted appears to be a seemingly hopeless state of being in regards to both the addict’s mental and physical conditions. Some psychiatrist and psychologist believe that it takes some form or manner of a spiritual experience to render one well again. Addictions of this nature are a mental and physical allergy in which once one drink or puff is consumed an afflicted person cannot stop unless they become wasted or they become so obsessed with consuming that they will eventually become wasted within a short period of time. Then the whole cycle of active addiction starts once again. Most of us usually need to bottom out or break down for any form of a breakthrough and recovery to take place in our lives. A spiritual awakening, or a spiritual experience can then lead us to recovery or sobriety. In many cases it is one day at a time remission from the disease of addiction.

Once I understood that I have adverse reactions to certain chemicals I became humble and admitted that I have a disease and that I have an allergy to certain substances including some prescribed medications. I now realize and accept that there are good drugs and there are bad drugs. The good drugs or the psychiatric medications that I take keep me healthy. Some medications cause an adverse reaction similar to booze and pot and today I choose not to consume them.

While actively using I did not know that one usage could lead me into active addiction and an altered state of mind and body. I had no control of where I went or what I did when using and now I can see that I was at the mercy of mind altering chemicals. I became an ill person. I was living  life fighting a disease that I could not heal by myself. Once I admitted these things to myself I found that although this disease could not be cured I discovered that it could be arrested one day at a time. Living a lifestyle of recovery became possible.

If addiction is not put in remission addicts can live a very lonely and distraught life. Many of us end up in jail, detoxes, hospitals and/or other institutions. Very often addiction’s final stop is death. I am not saying that we are failures I am saying that addiction, especially when it is happening concurrently with mental illness, cause a lot of pain to ourselves and those around us. More often than not we need help to stop the carnage of this disease. Many of us cry out,”God help me!”

Today many of us who live with addictions know not to experiment with or to take a mind or mood altering substance unless it is a prescribed medication which benefits us with good health. We choose to use all the tools that we have discovered. Some of these tools are detoxes, hospitals, rehabs, recovery orientated programs, and natural and professional supports. Some people use 12 step recovery methods.

People who are living in recovery know that wasted is too painful. Many people attribute their recovery to a developing spiritual experience or in some case a sudden and life changing spiritual awakening. Some people like me continue to ask God, or some conception of God, to help with their recovery on a daily basis. I have found that I need help everyday to stay clean, sober, and to be reasonably happy or content. I take medication that keeps me healthy and I know that life is not always about me. Perhaps I am one of those people who have had and continue to have some form of an awakening on a daily basis. Life is not perfect but it is better than it was when I was wrapped up in a wasted world. We all have hope even though we found control impossible. We stop fighting to control what we just can’t control. We surrender. We practice daily total abstinence one day at a time and for just this day we stay clean and sober. A friend told me that living one day one day one day that they got their life back and that it is still one day one day one day after many many years. They are doing well.  God bless you. Thank you for reading. Be well today.

• I do not encourage people to stop or start medication in any way implied or otherwise. I take medication under the care of a doctor and do so to be healthy and as such I believe that all medical questions should be taken to a doctor. I share my personal experiences and beliefs in a non professional way and I do so because I, and others, could possibly benefit from reading this blog and find one day at a time recovery from addictions. Many times getting clean from substances requires professional treatment and/or detoxification under the care of a doctor and reading this blog is not a substitute for medical care. In the case of an emergency contact 911.

Sometimes, but not very often, I have gotten a little coverage in a newspaper or radio station about something I have written or have been involved in in one way or another. When this happens I do well to remember that I am a person who is an addict/alcoholic who is trying to cope and live in recovery from a concurrent disorder one day at a time. Also I know that I am the last person that I know who should give advice about most things but I do write about my experience in a general way and I share a bit how I live in recovery. I also hope that if you live with a concurrent disorder and you are struggling that perhaps you too will find recovery and if anything I have written is of help to you then I hope that you do well and continue to be well in your search for recovery. Remember I am an addict/alcoholic who has been pretty messed up and I still live with pretty messed up thought processes yet today but today delusions or other vagrant thoughts do not afflict or completely consume me for long periods of time affecting my wellness and relationships to the point that my life is completely unmanageable.

Why would I write this?

Many years ago when I was on the psychiatric unit for being so unwell that I tried to end my life I read a story in the bible while visiting the chapel looking for signs. The story I read was about the Pharisee and the tax collector in the temple. The Pharisee was praying to God and as he prayed he told God what a great person he was and all the righteous things he did and does in his life. I believe the Pharisee also pointed out how blessed he was not to be like that no good tax collector was who the Pharisee thought was simply wasting God’s time. The Pharisee believed that the tax collector was truly unworthy of even trying to pray. Of course the tax collector knew that he was a sinner and he beat on his chest saying God have mercy on me a sinner.

What I hear the lesson in this is is that the tax collector knew he was sinner and the Pharisee was a hypocrite. I knew that I could relate to the tax collector but I did not see that I could relate to the Pharisee too. I am just realizing today that I can.

You see in my world I feel torn between being the Christ or the Anti-Christ. This is memories of delusions and feelings that can still be present today. Am I ill? Well no.

I am a person who will use the Jesus Prayer (the Sinner’s Prayer) as a centering prayer that takes me out of a judgemental or anxious state  of mind. I also use it for panic attacks and in addition to this I use when I feel threatened or in danger. “Lord Jesus Christ son of God Be merciful to me a sinner” It works.

I have just begun to acknowledge that I use this prayer and have been for a while. The first time that I have acknowledged it in my writing was just recently. I feared using this as a tool that I use because I have a feeling that I am simply unworthy to acknowledge this. You see – the Pharisee in the temple is really the addict/alcoholic writing a recovery blog about recovery one day at a time even though I still struggle and in reality I overdosed only five years ago. I had an adverse reaction to new medication and I became ill.  You don’t get much more messed up than this especially when I thought or think that I have all the answer. I don’t – I haven’t – I can’t. Today I know who I am. My name is Paul. My parents gave me that name.

Anyways – Remember The Eagle. The other day I was feeling well and my wife Brenda had to go to the hospital lab for blood work. I waited in the car because I was listening to a preacher on the radio talking about the Pharisee and the tax collector. I thought that was a sign. I was looking out the windshield and I saw what I thought was a large crow floating in the sky above a neighboring street’s houses. When I looked closer I could see it was an eagle gliding over rooftops. I had never seen one in town before. I felt awe. I felt it was a sign.

Yes I am a sinner. Not the Christ or the Anti-Christ. A sinner – you know a person. If you think I am preaching you might think I am the Pharisee. Sometimes I feel like the Pharisee. There are many other people who live in recovery one day at a time who do much better than me. But I have to try to give away what I have so I can keep it. This is one day at a time recovery. I am a person who relates to two people. The tax collector and the Pharisee. They too were  both people. I just know I can still get messed up but I am a person who is for the better part reasonably happy and in recovery one day at a time with and from a concurrent disorder. And I use the Jesus Prayer as a centering prayer. Deep down I know it is okay to do so. Remember the eagle. Thank you for reading – Be well today.

In recovery and living with a concurrent disorder we can find the silent tears of freedom. It doesn’t seem like much, these so called silent tears, but the joy of emotions is true grace.

Being numbed by our disorders we might have never smiled tears of happy joy. The joy of feeling.

I have had happy tears simply smile from my eyes from the love stories  found in music, television shows, and movies when there was a time that I didn’t know that I was a sentimental person. I know now. This is a gift of one day at a time recovery.

The freedom to feel the freedom of the silent tears of joy is true grace. You know that silent stream of joy rolling from your eyes. And these joyful tears have surfaced just because a love story had had a happy ending.

Being buzzed or wasted took this joy from me. I smile today just realizing that I experience such  special and moving emotions today.

It might not happen every day but it does happen. The old numbness that I felt in the past has softened in this one day at a time recovery.

Perhaps it doesn’t frequently happen to everyone but even the hardest and most stoic of us can experience such grace.

Some people just aren’t wired in a sentimental way. Perhaps it is just that silent smile of joy or the echo of happy laughter. It’s all gratitude and love and it happens one day at a time. I think it is a miracle.

One day at a time we can appreciate the freedom of recovery. The silent tears of freedom can live in and through us. One day at a time. Thank you for reading. Be well today.

As a person living with a psychiatric condition (schizo-affective disorder) and as a person who is concurrently  living in one day at a time recovery from addiction I must say that in my opinion that both afflictions, either alone or coexisting, are illnesses.

I do not believe in the concept that one simply needs to pull up their boots to overcome or as some might say conquer these diseases. People living with these concurrent illnesses more often than not need to be treated with what some would call contrary methods.

The fact that medication can be used to manage these disorders can be seen, by some people, as a counter productive treatment. More often than not medication is the life-line for people living with a mental illness which is coexisting with addictions. I must say that it can be successful and that is just the way that it is.

Disorders like anxiety and depression can become life-threatening afflictions. Often when coexisting with addictions it can be clearly seen that managing these concurrent conditions together recovery can be more successful instead of treating just one or the other. People can become well. And remember this – we are people.

Some people will self medicate to deal with mental health conditions and this could lead to a worse affliction than that is already present. An example of this is when a person who is living with depression decides to use alcohol to feel better. More often than not it makes conditions worse than they are at that time. Life and health can be put at risk.

Substances such as alcohol or other drugs can make it difficult to properly diagnose a mental illness. When one is properly diagnosed and treated recovery can be made possible. My recovery is based on living life one day one day one day at a time and using the right medication for the right condition. I have learned many coping methods from therapists, rehab programs, self-help methods, and I tie into a healthy form of spirituality to be reasonable, reasonably happy, joyous, and free. Life is not perfect and I live with adversity the best that I can. I am pretty well content or on the beam but I know that I do fall off the beam at times. That is when one needs supports and I know how to use natural and professional supports. I am not only a human being; I am a human being living.

Concurrent disorders can be successfully treated when the one afflicted with one participates in their recovery and then recovery is possible. We need to be responsible to participate and do the footwork needed to manage life and we need know that life is not always easy. Life is not as quick as technology can be and sometimes we simply need to live it. It can take time. Thank you for reading. Be well today.

I can remember a long long time ago I had said to a psychiatrist that I thought that I needed to go into a 28 day rehab in order to stay off of pot. He told that I would still have to say no when I finished the program. At that time I did not realize how true those words of wisdom really are.

Today I know that the only true way to stay off of pot is that if you do not take that first puff it is a guarantee that you will not get high. For the genius who thinks that you can still eat it that is true so just don’t take that first bite and for the even smarter addict just do not ingest it in any way or any form and you won’t get high. That includes breathing in second hand smoke or absorbing it through the pores or any other manner. In other words don’t get high and you will not get high.

Now if you want to stay off of pot a rehab program will help. Twelve step fellowships, professional supports, and faith in the God of your understanding will solidify your recovery one day at a time.

In my understanding of God I find Grace and Grace is good enough. I try and surrender my substance addictions, which include pot, to the care of my God and my God is big enough to give me Grace if I put it in God’s care and don’t take it back. I have lost the obsession to use. Just for today I try to face life on life’s terms.

Life has not always been easy for me in my recovery. There has been heartache, family crises, mental health crises and relapses with hospitalizations with one episode leading to adverse reactions to medications leading to an overdose on medication and then to stabilization on a different anti-psychotic medication.

Regardless of the difficulties in my recovery I have had many joys in my recovery and I have had a number of successful dreams come true. I have had decent relationships and I have contributed in life and to my communities and some small ways. I have also tried to help people in this continuing journey of not smoking pot or drinking in many one day one day one days after another.

Today I know I have this one day – this moment. Many, many people have helped me in my recovery. Many people have helped me in my life. God as I understand God to be has helped and this is Grace and Grace is enough. Thank you for reading. Be well today.

Many days I deal with stress the same way that many many people do. Sometimes I take the 15 minute walk to the nearby coffee shop and I have a decaf coffee and I write. I do this to quiet the noise that stress creates in my head.

The walk is nice and the writing might be the only positive way that I can express the frustration that is bottled up in my body and my brain. Sometimes it is the complete solution to my difficulties; sometimes it is simply the beginning of stress release. Seeing pleasant people and the short conversations that can also start up are pleasant release .

I also try to eat appropriate meals at appropriate times whenever possible.

I will also do housework to help arrange my living environment into a comfortable safe haven. This does wonders for me.

Today I watched and listened to youtube videos which were a great release. I call this a relatively healthy stress release.

Also I try and live in the peace of the moment being clean and sober and I talk to a recovering friend. And in this day – this one day one day one day I can say that I am well. It is something to just let it go. Takes work but it works. Be well today. Thank you for reading.

I can remember a number of years back and what I remember was that I was cleaning an apartment for a couple to move into because I was moving out. It was a decent apartment and the couple that were going to move into it came over to check the place out that evening.  They wanted to see how their soon to be home was coming along.

The man asked me if I wanted a beer as I was working and I replied to him no thanks. He had asked me why and I had told him that I couldn’t handle it and that I believed that people who couldn’t handle booze shouldn’t drink.

His partner looked at him and told him that he should listen to what I had said.

Today I think of that old lie of denial – “I am only hurting myself”.

Today I can write that I have an allergy to alcohol and should I willingly or unwillingly take a drink there is a really good chance that I could and almost certainly have an adverse reaction to it because of that one drink. In addition to this I know that this could happen to me if I did decide willingly or unwillingly to do a puff or any number of other agents to catch a buzz.

When wrapped up in these negative addictions I found that I drank or used when I did not want to. I woke up in places in which I had no idea where I was or how I got there and I would do things that I probably would not do if I hadn’t gotten wasted. Blackouts and the other earlier mentioned events are real life and terrifying.

The cravings to consume something to catch a buzz are very real. Even if what I was using was supposed to only form a psychological dependency I do know how it feels to be powerless over such things such as pot. And the booze, most of the time I became wasted. Positively wasted.

Anyone who got wasted like I did would probably want to stop if they did a history of what went on when they had gotten wasted. You know – the ruined relationships, the broken homes, the absolute waste of money, treating family like strangers and strangers like family just to name a few things that go along with addictions and dependencies.

I needed professional help to get clean and sober and I still need it from time to time. I also need help from my family and friends. Today I give back and try to help others. And I play an active role in my home and at work.

Today just for today I live my recovery one day one day one day like many many many people do. Be well today.

I live clean and sober with a fairly manageable life as I live as a person who lives with a concurrent disorder. As I have often said I live life one day at a time and I am a person who lives a reasonable and a reasonably happy life. I know that I do well to remember  this each and every day.

I am a person who lives with an illness that tells me that I don’t have an illness. When these flights of fanciful thinking occur I do well to remember that I am not perfect. When I remember that I am not perfect it is easier to accept that I live with a concurrent disorder. When I remind myself that I have an illness I am reminding myself that using substances to catch a buzz or to get wasted or to make a decision to stop taking medication that is necessary for good health could easily bring symptoms of a concurrent disorder. I know that I am to accept that the I have an illness and that I can choose to live in recovery just for this day just one day at a time. To deny this knowledge that I know from from experience is a symptom of addiction and also a symptom of mental illness. It is called denial. Denial happens usually in early recovery but in reality it can happen at anytime to anyone.

An illness is an illness. Acceptance of illness is life and we all live our lives as people who live with the human condition of human imperfection. Denial is part of the human ego (the I am) that tells us that we are just too together to have have such a stigmatized condition such as a concurrent disorder because people who live with mental illnesses or addictions are weak. That last statement is as untrue as untrue can be. Illness is illness. A concurrent disorder can affect anyone.

Denial tells us that we are in control when we are buzzed or when we are wasted. Using once can lead us into I want and then it leads us into I need. We also find ourselves needing to use even when our whole being is screaming I don’t want to use. We know we are destroying our lives but we can’t stop. The I am of addiction has taken over and we get so ill we can’t see that we are ill and we are on the merry-go-round of our addictions. If we see that we are on this merry-go-round we can have a moment of clarity we can ask for help to get off. Often we can see that we need help. Many people cry out for help.

One way to find something positive in being a person who is afflicted with  a concurrent disorder is to find recovery from a concurrent disorder.

In my recovery I live my life one day at a time. I do not do this perfectly but I do do it well enough to be healthy enough to be reasonable and reasonably happy. For today my life is manageable today. I take the necessary steps to live in recovery this day and I use the tools that I have to help me stay well as I venture forth on this journey that is called life. Each day I ask the God of my understanding for help to stay clean and sober.

Illness is illness. Concurrent disorders are an illness or a combination of illnesses. Illness is the human condition of human imperfection. Denial of illness or human imperfection is a symptom of illness. Acceptance is a major tool of recovery

Thank you for reading. Be well today.

By the grace of God and with the help of a whole lot of people I have been managing my illness for quite a while (a whole lot of one days at a time). I am no expert on  all the ways of recovery or why I have these disorders but my recovery is working well today.

Many people have many ways of coping with life but as an addict/alcoholic living with a mental health disorder I know that I have to take life one day at a time. It is a redundant theme in my recovery writing because it works for me as it works for an almost countless amount of other people. I also write that I must abstain completely from pot and booze as I take medication as directed by a physician. I am grateful for the manageable life that I share with my wife Brenda and I am content and reasonable in this lifestyle called recovery.

I have examined my drinking and using history and I don’t ever want to be that out of control again. When one loses their ability in such things as blackouts and to be trapped by that ever burdening need to consume day in and day out just to try to function in your own skin or perhaps just to feel normal you feel the chains of addiction. Life becomes a never ending merry-go-round of chaos and loneliness when caught in active addiction. My only escape was to reach out for help and to turn to a God of my understanding and to meet with people who could no longer use or drink. There are many different kinds of groups with people who support each other in their goals to stay clean and sober. In my recovery I have participated in a few of them. I like to think I have helped a few people in my recovery but I really don’t know how much. Staying clean and sober I know that I can participate in life and I believe that I am better person for it. I also believe I am a little more dependable in my home life and in my close relationships. I am no saint but I know that I am growing as a person a little day by day and I know I can deal with adversity just a little better today.

I try not to beat myself up because I have these disorders. I have realized that there is a reason my life is such a broken journey but I can only speculate as to what it is. Perhaps it is so that I can find peace in me, with others, and with the God that is being revealed to me. The journey continues – life is life – and you take it one day at a time (for me).

I am a person who cannot drink or use because I can’t stop, moderate, or have any concept of responsibility whatsoever. Today I play an active responsible role in life. I am not a bad person I have an illness. I do well to remember this when life gets difficult and I internalize every problem I encounter. I am not responsible for other’s problems and I can’t fix other people. That is a difficult pill to swallow for those who are caretakers. Let go and let God. Just being a regular person is a bit foreign when you live with an unhealthy I am that tells you that you have to save everyone.

Remember that people with concurrent disorders have an illness. We are not bad people trying to become good people; we are sick people trying to become well people. I have an illness. Thank you for reading. Be well today.

When life gets busy at such times as the Christmas holidays I wonder if I lose a sense of living one day one day one day recovery when I get busy being caught up in this busy festive season.

In my life the holidays become a build up of Christmas shows, eating, decorating, eating, shopping, eating, church festivities, eating, seeing family and friends, eating, exchanging gifts, Christmas morning, eating, Christmas dinner, and eating and its December 29th and I am still eating. I am just now getting back to my one day be well today recovery blog and this writing feels good.

Now the real, or should I say the not so busy and stressful world is here once again. For those of us who live with mental illness the past little while could have been a very lonely and depressing time of the year. It was a reasonably good Christmas for Brenda and me and our families seemed to have survived it but that is not the way it is for everyone who lives with a mental illness or a mental illness with addictions. It is a sad and painful tragedy that not all of us survive the holidays.

Now as I have mentioned reality sets in. Work, chores, budgeting, and staying grounded have hit me hard tonight. Also the fact that in our area where Brenda and I live we could have four more months of winter weather and storms play with my coping level. Tonight we are safe at home and we will count that as a blessing.

Now as I think if I were to change anything I would like to be a little more active and manage my eating a little better one day at a time. This helps with anxiety.  Today wasn’t too bad for eating. Just for today.

As I venture forward with my recovery blog I am going to try and write shorter blogs at closer intervals starting in 2019. I might expand into different topics if something in life catches my attention.

I was glad to see the holiday season come and I am glad to see that it is passing. I really have nothing to resolve except that I would like to remain reasonably happy, joyous and free from substance addiction just for this day. I thank God for each new day which is a chance to be clean and sober one day at a time and to live well while facing adversity the best that I can with the support of my loved ones and my friends that live life in recovery one day one day one day at time. And I continue to take medication as prescribed by a competent physician.

Stress comes and stress goes. I have heard that this too shall pass. If you are reading this today I hope that you are well. I hope that your are reasonably happy and that you are content just for this day. I no longer try and fight my addictions as I know that one is too many and a thousand is never enough. I do not take that first one just for today. Thank you for reading. Be well today.