People who live in one day at a time recovery know what it is like to be afraid. More than likely every person that I have met, or would ever want to meet, knows the feeling of fear. I believe fear is more than likely a primal instinct and different people react differently to it. Many of our fears are valid and we try not to let our fears run our lives. We face what we can and we let go of what we cannot. Not everyone has the courage to be a hero. A person who has no fear can be very foolish indeed. Perhaps a person is out of work and is afraid to apply for a job. If it is just the fear of a job interview that person can do mock interviews to prepare themselves to be ready for an upcoming interview. When they feel ready enough, and the interview is set up, they simply go to it. And this is where they face their fear. Before entering the interview they know it might just be the initial walking in the door of the interviewer that is the fear. All they need is fifteen seconds of courage to walk in the door and greet the interviewer. After that initial fifteen seconds of courage the person then settles in and does their best in the interview. They were afraid but they did it. And maybe, just maybe, they got a job. These are the types of fear we can face. It’s the same as facing our fears and reaching out for help to become well, or stay well. We don’t have to face our fears alone. Recovering people know this. Be well today one day at a time. It’s worth it.
Is it the lack of control of our lives that increase bouts of depression, anxiety, anger, guilt, aloneness and shame? Do these emotions bring us to the despair of suicidal ideology? Do we become captive to these sequential thoughts?
This aloneness, this damned aloneness, fuels the fires of the despair of self.
We feel so alone that we cannot see even a dim flicker of hope in this dark tunnel we are in.
This dark tunnel had no opening but once we are on this dim road of depression we believe that a horrible grasp of ill will is smothering us just as sure as there was someone holding a pillow over our face. We gasp for breath like a person who is drowning.
The noises in our heads begin to wear us down. It tells us we deserve this. In some twisted way we start to accept this and we start to believe there is no way out.
Some of us try to hide from these emotions by escaping as much as we can. Booze, pot, sex… They work for a while and we don’t see we are carving our premature death date on our tomb stone.
“HERE LIES A TROUBLED SOUL”
Most people can’t understand this but we do.
Some of us have cried out God help me but we feel like we’re on God’s shit list. Maybe, just maybe, God is on our shit list. What is God anyways.
But we hear people say “We’ve been there.” And guess what – we still go there today but not as often and not as bad.
We have walked the thin line that turned into a foot path. For most of us it turned into a side-walk that we walk one step at a time. Some times two steps forward and one step back.
We know the bullies, the jerks, ands the mean people. Hell! There were times that we were them.
But now, this moment, this hour, this day, we know we are loved. We are a kin.
And we know that we are loved for we have learned to love ourselves. We have befriended ourselves.
When those thoughts come that want us to die – those thoughts that come when we want to die we say no. We say “NO” “I AM ENOUGH”. Though of us who have been there know life can be good. We need to reach out for help.
Maybe someday, somebody will need you to say, “I know you. YOU ARE ENOUGH”
We’ve been there and We know you, “YOU ARE ENOUGH”
If you are suicidal, feel like harming yourself or anyone else in any way, call your local mental health clinic or local help-line and/or if this is an emergency please call 911 or your local emergency number. You don’t have to face this alone.
Those of us who live in one day at a time recovery from concurrent disorders know life is uphill. It is also difficult walking uphill alone. Alone can be hard enough to do for the healthiest person. We need to accept that. There are some people who are good at going uphill. They reach back and pull us along. If we slip they will hold us and keep us from slipping anymore. If we trip they will pick us up and tell us to watch out for the dips that trip us. And if we purposely fight them, they will let us go because there are other people who need help to walk up the hill. The people who help us are incredibly loyal and wise. They know that they can only help people who will help themselves. And when these helpful people have finished pulling people to the top, they rest, walk back down, and then help other people up the hill. We think we might not be able to do what these people do, but we learn not to fight them, and maybe then we will learn with their help the journey is much better. Not perfect but better. We learn to enjoy most of it. And we learn to reach back and help others with their uphill walk.
Those of us who live in one day at a time recovery know the meaning of us and them. The problem is that both us and them believe in them and us. The reality is that we are all us. Both sides of the coins are us. Everyone has inherent dignity. Treat each other that way. You know them so called disabled people collecting welfare are taking all my tax money. They are less than me. Make them work. Never mind that I worked at the mill and when I became disabled I received seven times the amount in my disability payment. After all I payed into it. And the disabled person who doesn’t make enough to live on says that I need more. Give me more. And the system says go to work. We can train you. But you know they can’t. And they know they probably can’t so they can’t help you. Everyone needs to be treated with inherent dignity. If we must have us and them treat them with inherent dignity. Why? Because they are us. And more than likely we are them.
Those of us who are living in one day at a time recovery know that we to need find wellness while living within a system of meritocracy. There are people who live and work within this system that will help us. When ill, and if needed, hospitals, detoxes, and treatment centers can help with our wellness and health-care plans. Participate in becoming well and functional. After discharge we more than likely will receive follow up care. For some of us it was to take medication as prescribed, go to mental health appointments, don’t use or drink, be aware of the onset of any suicidal ideology, and if there were any thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or hurting others, call the clinic for help. People like me also attend groups for people living in one day at a time recovery and other kinds of support groups. They are a big part of our lives. It can take time for the fog to clear and realize that the system offers opportunities to help us. We need to be aware and use whatever help the system, and our natural supports, can give us. They merit us the chance to be well. Do your research. It’s not always easy but it’s worth it. Life is not perfect but many of us become and remain well one day at a time. You can too. Merit yourself that.
Those of us who live with concurrent disorders can burn down too many bridges. The sad thing is that we can do this while living in one day at a time recovery. This is the result of it’s about me. It’s the result of you need to listen to me. It’s the result of I am important. If we don’t, won’t, or can’t step away from this mindset we will start to burn down too many bridges. People do this. My hope is that we don’t have to. It can be it’s about me. Someone should listen. And yes we are important. It’s just that most people can’t give us this assurance. People need training to help us. Accept that. I hope I can stop burning down too many bridges. I don’t know if I have the empathy. I’m learning. One day at a time.
Those of us who live with mental health disorders and addictions need to come in out of the rain. Depressed, lonely, and tired is the rain no-one should live in. Those of us who are living in one day at a time recovery know this. We came in out of the rain. We reached out for help. Reaching out is the courageous and brave thing to do. We received professional help and some of us found our way in out of the rain. Many of us found tools to help live well lives. Many of us live one day at a time. Whether we believe it or not, we deserve to feel good. We deserve to come in out of the rain.
Those of us who live with anxiety and/or depression know that hugs can sometimes make us feel like weeping. We’re not losing our minds. It’s a feeling of alone. Those of us who are living in one day at a time recovery know this feeling. I have heard it described as being in a small room with a hundred people and still feeling all alone. The rooms of recovery have taught me that we are not alone. But there are times we still feel that way. Reoccurring anxiety and/or depression can reintroduce us to feelings of alone. If this is an emergency, or if it becomes an emergency, we call 911 or our local crisis line immediately. The alone I am talking about is an alone most people can feel. Those of us who have been in recovery for a while know this and we know that we are not alone. Anxiety and/or depression are no joke. Many people turn to professional medical help. You will be heard and being heard is important. Many of us have turned to support groups for help and live life one day at a time which means reach out for help and be well today.
And his world cried like suicide
Being lost so much insane
A sunny day of drinks and tokes
Then coming down like cruel cold rain
For reality does not exist
Within the tears of someone else
Being lost so lost in emptiness
All this emptiness still felt.
So he shakes his head and says a prayer
For all the pains of yesterday
And the night sweats and the morning fear
Within the cruel cold light of day
And the headaches and the trembling hands
He sees a hole punched in a wall
For the booze it took him to its lands
And he felt so very small.
And freezing rain breaks weary limbs
That grow on strong dead trees
So saddened like remorseful hymns
With a pain that no-one sees
And a hapless anguish breaks his heart
So engulfed in darkened night
He surrenders with his tears of dread
Screaming God I lost the fight.
And he drifts off in a moment real
Where much nothingness does matter
And he wakes up in the light of day
With its noise of constant clatter
While he knows he cannot change what is
And he knows exactly why
And the coming down like cruel cold rain
With the tears he often cries.
And strong dead trees just will not bend
But eventually they break
For he’s caged by pain that no-one sees
Such a lonely silent ache
But perhaps a sudden flash of light
Will dry the tears that fall
But now he coasts in search of hope
But he’s sort of blind like Saul.
Saint Paul or Saul he’ll never be
He’s a broken strong dead tree
Just a strong dead tree that broke in two
That he saw eventually
But in his strength there was a weakness
And in his weakness he was strong
And he knows it took so many years
That passed quick but took so long.
And the stars shall shine within the sky
And the rain shall often dance
And a broken strong dead tree shall pray
And be given one more chance
And betwixt beyond and up and down
Behold and hold on tight
And he knows it took so many years
And it’s grace that makes it right.
And broken strong dead trees shall fade
Into flowers that shall grow
While the bees shall simply pollenate
And new life shall simply grow
For it simply is a twist in life
That this world is forgiving
For a broken strong dead tree is gone
And has found a world of living.
And living has its ups and downs
While a strong new tree has grown
As nature changes like the tides
Where the bees had often flown
And in his life he was reborn
And in his life he sees
A sunrise and a pleasant morn
And the tears that set him free.
Though his anger screams in cold stone rage
He’s a frightened child who weeps
And silence shreds and scars his heart
So much it hides and sleeps
While music soothes the beast inside
The madness walks to mourn
And ragged is his leather coat
With its lining worn and torn.
An aging tired man in pain
Still smiles loves and needs
He fears and sleeps the troubled sleep
And shakes and sweats and bleeds
Embracing love believing hope
At times he curses all
He touches heaven walks through hell
And falls and falls to fall.
To fall in Paradise he smiles
To serve and rise in peace
Perhaps the tears and fears shall die
With the chains that shall release
The human heart the human soul
And twice his dreams are born
With the splendor of a leather coat
With its lining worn and torn.
And living has its ups and downs
While a strong new tree has grown
And nature changes like the tides
Where the bees had often flown
And in his life he was reborn
And in his life he sees
A sunrise and a pleasant morn
And the tears that set him free.
And his world cried like suicide
Being lost so much insane
A sunny day of drinks and tokes
Then coming down like cruel cold rain
For reality does not exist
Within the tears of someone else
Being lost so lost in emptiness
All this emptiness still felt.
To fall to fall in Paradise
To serve and rise in peace
Perhaps the tears and fears shall die
With the chains that shall release
The human heart the human soul
And twice his dreams are born
And the splendor of a leather coat
With its ling worn and torn.
Some people living in one day at a time recovery believe that their success should be measured. It is not just some recovering people who think this way. Society in general values people based on their level of functioning or their marketable skills. This is the system of meritocracy. If we cannot market what we do, or function at an acceptable level, we can be left out in the cold. Literally left out in the cold. I do believe that it is important that we all participate as best we can to contribute to society in general, but those of us lacking in such matters should be valued. We are all worthy of inherent dignity. Many people believe this. It is one of the basic building blocks of society. If you don’t think so you’re concept of civilization is a bit off. Most people do the best that they can. It’s not just a matter of functioning. Bring us in out of the cold.