Be Well Today

I dropped my pen today
Such a plastic click
On a cold cold kitchen floor.

I recalled such empty times
a harsh and painful place.
Clawing, grasping,
praying to be ransomed
from life and its unforgiving loneliness.

Yet my pen was bold
to right my world,
your world our world
and the chaos on the evening news.

Thus I reach and hold my pen
with the gathered paper I embrace
for love is kind it is not pain.

And these gentle time are quite suffice
like a sunny day’s soft whispered kiss,
thus what I forge are words just words
for I will be and still I am
the lover’s hope the soldier’s peace
and the rhymes that little children say.

I dropped my pen today
such a plastic click
on a cold cold kitchen floor.

Those of us who live in one day at a time recovery know that we can have feelings of melancholy. These are not feelings of depression or suicidal thinking and they don’t necessarily mean we are unhappy. This happens to us when we are in deep thought and for no apparent reason we are sad. More often than not it happens when writing poetry. And often there is a go to phrase that will that reveals to us that we are not unhappy. Thus the words being reasonably happy. In other words, we’re ok. This is an inside view of the minds of many people living with, or recovering from mental health disorders and addiction. As the story goes, we need turn it into art, or at least into a conversation that others will understand. We need share this melancholy with others. To give and to get we need reach out. We are not alone.

Those of us who live in one day at a time recovery know that our troubles are not always just us. Our circumstances and our environments often play a role in our difficulties. People say that money can’t buy happiness. Would we say that if circumstances caused us to live with an income below the poverty line, or if we are the working poor. Would we say that if we were facing eviction and there are no affordable rentals anywhere within the area we live. And what if we are living in abusive relationships. Sometimes it is not so easy to just up and move. For both women and men (it’s a reality). And then there’s living with a mental illness (if you don’t you can’t understand). If you want to change it, merit people more than what the existing system of meritocracy merits us. We’ve adapted to it. It’s not always us.

Those of us who live in one day at a time recovery have to listen to, and respect, other people’s choices. We especially need to do this if we are the controlling type personality. A controlling type personality is not the same as the leader type personality that can effectively control a difficult situation. Some of us feel the need to be in control because of fear, or a fear based ego. The controlling type personality needs to let others make their own choices without resorting to anger, or any other manipulative actions or suggestions. Other people need freedom of choice the same as we need freedom from our mental health disorders and addiction. A sad thing is that we don’t even know we are doing it. As scary as it might be we need to stop. Other people are not our puppets. Recovery is about freedom. That means everyone’s.

Those of us living in one day at a time recovery have known life to be like the burning wind of a barren desert when our disorders were active. Our environment was empty except for the anger burning through our veins. We resented every person and institution that ever wronged us. We even resented God, or our conception of God, for making our lives hell on Earth. And all because we couldn’t accept that that we could be wrong or life could be hard. When we realistically reach out for help, maybe we can get out of the desert. When we are safe we might see that the burning wind is the crutch called resentment. It happens to all of us in recovery, or not. Many of us need medication to be well, and holding onto the anger makes us unwell. Anger can be a result of feeling loss of control. We need accept we cannot control everything. Especially people who are doing no wrong. And reality knows we can be control freaks. We need to find ways to let go of this need for control and to stop our angry outburst. We need to reach out and learn how to manage our anger. Life is so much better when we let it go. This is a part of healing. We need this and we are worth it. Our lives can be good and we can be well. We need to come out of the desert and to stop lighting up the wind.

Those of us who live in one day at a time recovery know that there can still be a bit of noise in our heads even after substantial time in recovery. Often this noise is what we call self-defeating thinking. We become trapped in the idea we are not worthy of love and belonging. Our thinking tells us that we don’t measure up. We catastrophize our humble purpose and put shame on ourselves by telling ourselves others master their fears and rise to the occasion by being heroes and fighters brimming with the courage, the confidence, and the strength of warriors. When we do this we are destroying any sense of inherent dignity that is ours to have. We are being unkind to ourselves. Today we know this, and we know we would not do this to another person. We give ourselves grace and love. We let go of guilt, shame, and remorse. And we do not let fear consume us. We reach out and we breathe. Sometimes we pray. Some of us need medication. We don’t have to be a warrior. We just let go and we know we are worthy of love and belonging so we treat ourselves with inherent dignity. It takes time but it gets better. Trust in the process.

Those of us who live in one day at a time recovery ask ourselves a question. The question is, “Can we captain our own ships?” We believe we can but what we really want to know is can we captain our own ships like a seasoned veteran. The first thing we need to know is we would need help. We need to know this because captains captain ships in all kinds of weather. By then we realize we need to pray. We know we would have trust others. One day at a time we would have to trust ourselves. We would even have to retire to our quarters and turn our ships over to those we trust. Again we pray. Then we would realize that we could captain our own ships, but would we want to. Not by ourselves so again we pray. We didn’t make the stars.

If silence stopped you wouldn’t hear the songs that songbirds sing
You wouldn’t hear the whooshing wind or any other thing
You wouldn’t hear the joy of love or hear the children dance
You wouldn’t hear the buzzing bee or a raindrop’s second chance

If silence stopped you wouldn’t hear the church bells as they chime
You wouldn’t hear the trumpets sound or poets when they rhyme
You wouldn’t hear the whistle blow to start the morning’s work
You wouldn’t hear the grass be cut or hear the coffee perk

If silence stopped you wouldn’t hear the waves crash on the beach
You wouldn’t hear that every day puts love within our reach
You wouldn’t hear the doe and fawn or the beauty that they give
You wouldn’t hear the gift of joy in this world that we live

If silence stopped you wouldn’t hear that peace is meant for you
You wouldn’t hear that people care or that the sky is blue
You wouldn’t hear when troubles come that they can go away
You wouldn’t hear that Heaven’s real and we don’t have to pay

If silence stopped you wouldn’t hear that people live and die
You wouldn’t hear that people laugh and sometimes people cry
You wouldn’t hear that love is real but sometimes people fall
You wouldn’t hear that we have hope and hope comes for us all

If silence stopped you wouldn’t hear the songs that songbirds sing
You wouldn’t hear the whooshing wind or any other thing
You wouldn’t hear the joy of love or hear the children dance
You wouldn’t hear the buzzing bee or a raindrops second chance

If silence stopped you wouldn’t hear that peace is meant for you
You wouldn’t hear that people care or that the sky is blue
You wouldn’t hear when troubles come that they can go away
You wouldn’t hear that Heaven’s real and we don’t have to pay

If silence stopped if silence stopped you simply wouldn’t hear
If silence stopped if silence stopped you simply wouldn’t hear
You wouldn’t hear that love is real but sometimes tears will fall
You wouldn’t hear that we have hope and hope comes for us all

Those of us who live in one day at a time recovery eventually are touched by humility. Sooner or later we realize we don’t have all the answers as to how to find and live in recovery. Some people living with concurrent disorders just sort of stop. That’s it. They just stop and recover. We can accept this and be happy for these people. Nonetheless humility also lets us know we can live in recovery one day at a time. It lets us know we can reach out and we don’t have to do it alone. We are also humble enough that we can ask a God of our own understanding if this God will help us when we feel like we really need it, or even when we least expect it. We have enough humility to remember when we reached out, lost, or kind of lost, and said “God help me”. And some of us have enough humility to say that we don’t comprehend the what, how, or why. All we know is that we believe in something. And we know this is okay. Touched by humility, we reach out and live our lives one day at a time.

Those of us who live in one day at a time recovery know one thing. That one thing that we do know is that we do suffer. The Buddha said it is a part of life. We who have been alone, captured in the despair of our addictions and the pains of mental illness know that life is suffering. The sad thing about it is we will even suffer while in recovery. Another sad thing is suffering puts a strain on relationships. Life isn’t always about me. We need learn this. Another reality though is we do need support in organizing our agendas. We people in one day at a time recovery know we need to reach out. No-one should have to organize an agenda on living with life’s suffering by themselves. Even Christ needed friends. That was part of his message. Please reach out. One day at a time.